These rants are brought to you by STFU Parents and Facebook.

First of all, some mommy whines that the waitstaff at restaurants call her baby a “half” when talking about how many needed at a table. (i.e. Mom and Dad plus baby equals 2.5)

Funny how these mothers never have a problem paying half price for their kids, but suddenly half is an insult? Mommies in the thread even point out that their kids take up as much room and eat about as much and are just as loud (if not louder) than grown people. Good, glad they are admitting it. Let this be a lesson to you mommies then: you don’t want your kid called a “half” and you acknowledge they take the same space/food/noise-equivalent as anyone else? Start paying full price for them then! Glad we cleared that up!

Next, STFU Parents alerted me to this Facebook exchange under a TV Station’s fan page (the post was on January 7 if you want to go back and find it). Highly amusing! STFU Parents did not show the whole exchange, so I will post it here. (STFU Parents obscures last names for good reason, but I didn’t bother because this is on a public fan page and anyone can find the names as easily as I just did, so obscuring the names seemed pointless. These people already put their names out there in the public so it’s not like I’m “outing” them or anything.)

WTTW Channel 11 Don’t forget, “An Evening with Emma” on January 12 in anticipation of the premiere of the new adaptation of Jane Austen’s comic masterpiece! Join us to watch the first hour followed by a discussion. Admission is FREE and is first-come, first-served at 6pm at the Pritzker Auditorium of the Harold Washington Library.

Janet Woo Why couldn’t there also have been one session in the a.m. so mommy types could go while the kids are in school? Try as I may, the kids simply don’t like Austen as much as I do, and I don’t think you want a 9 and 11 yo in the audience!

Heidi McReynolds There are helpful people called babysitters to watch children in the evening while adults go out to adult events.

Teri Rotondo Tracey Amen Heidi!

Monica Bhopatkar Teredesai In this day and age, some people may not want to spend money on helpful people called baby sitters- Just another perspective…

Diane O’Neill Thanks for offering that perspective, Monica! When my now 18-year-old son was little, I could barely afford child care for when I was working, never mind for fun events. I suspect a lot of parents nowadays are in the same financial boat–and it isn’t always that easy to find a babysitter you can trust.

Heidi McReynolds I follow Miss Manner’s advice. If you can’t afford a babysitter, send your regrets to that black tie wedding. If you can’t afford to tip, don’t go out to dinner. I sympathize with stretched parents, but there is always a way to find more money. If you find you can’t afford a night out, cancel your cable or cut back on your cell phone plan. Use the public library for movies instead of netflix and to borrow instead of buying Emma whenever you want to reread it. If you are lucky enough to have family living in the area, arrange a sleepover at the Grandparent’s home if you don’t trust babysitters.

Is it possible to become a fan of this Heidi McReynolds on facebook? Someone start the page and I’ll be there! I’m a fan!!

I love Monica’s “in this day and age” people can’t afford babysitter’s defense, since everyone I know with kids, especially the ones who cry broke the loudest, has every video gaming system known to man, web surfing cell phones and bluray DVD players in every room of the house and every vehicle. Most people have more money than they want to admit, they just don’t want to give up all their “fun money” to be responsible. Hey, it’s true.

Diane complains that it’s not always easy to find a babysitter you can trust. I hate that line! It’s the worst!
First off, these women act like the children’s fathers can’t possibly watch them. I have very, very little respect for women who have children with men who are too irresponsible to be fathers! These women can’t ALL be widowed, and all the fathers can’t be incapable of watching them. Come on! I don’t care if you’re divorced and if it’s not “his” night for the kids. Maybe he’d like to have his kids more often and even if he doesn’t, he should step up and parent his kids once in a while!

You know, if a childfree person rants about bad parents out there, this is the very type of person who will complain, “You can’t judge parents! You can’t tell people they don’t have the right to be parents!” because they want to assume all (or most) parents are good parents, everyone should have kids and yet never be criticized. YET when you suggest they get a babysitter (like say another parent) they say, “I can’t trust any of those other parents!!1!” So they are judging all those other parents to be totally inept and unfit, but if we do it, they tell us we’re wrong. Which way is it? You can’t have it both ways!

I just cannot imagine that these people have no relatives or friends who can babysit for them. It’s bullshit. If they are refusing to develop a relationship with anyone else in their community, that’s THEIR fault. And if they do know a lot of people but suspect everyone they associate with are horrible people you can’t trust, then I suggest they get a better class of friends.

And in other Facebook news, I’ve found that some of the moms I’m friends with are posting these tidbits on each others’ profiles:

Sometimes you just need to hear it… You are a beautiful woman, inside & out. You are an exquisite mother, who can make a way out of no way,YOU ARE A GREAT MOM!!! You are doing a fantastic job and are very loved!!! ♥♥♥♥♥ Post this on the wall of 10 moms- Mom’s (sic) who always put their kids first and who balance it all! I just did….

Wait, aren’t these the same women that you can’t trust to babysit your kids? *snort*

Mommies post this crap on other mommies’ profiles even if the mom in question is an idiot who isn’t a great mom, isn’t doing a fantastic job, doesn’t always put her kids first and doesn’t balance it all. But of course, even though motherhood is SO worth it and SO rewarding, they still need pointless platitudes like this to get them through the day. Gee, guess motherhood isn’t its own reward, huh?

This got me to thinking about how they pass these things around to mommies only. I’ve gotten into arguments with mommies before where they would say things like, “We women should support each other! You shouldn’t be hating on women! We all need to work together to make things better for women everywhere!!” Oh sure, that’s what they say! But when it comes down to it, they want more benefits for mommies and parents and they want more discounts for families and they want everything family (ie child) friendly and then even when they pass around the pointless platitudes, it’s for mommies only. Suddenly they don’t care about women sticking together. There are not sending messages to all women saying things like:

Sometimes you just need to hear it… You are a beautiful woman, inside & out. You are an exquisite lady, who can make a way out of no way,YOU ARE A GREAT PERSON!!! You are doing a fantastic job and are very loved!!! ♥♥♥♥♥ Post this on the wall of 10 women- women who always put their loved ones first and who balance it all! I just did….

You know? Don’t get me wrong, it would still be pointless, but it’s just typical of them. As far as they are concerned, only moms count! Which is exactly why childfree women don’t feel much (if any) solidarity with women who have kids. Every chance they get they exclude us, then turn around and bitch at us for not doing more to ease their burdens. Gee, I wonder why we don’t?

And finally, just for fun, I have to show you this post over on Lamebook that Stepher showed me and totally cracked me up. It’s the first one. Go read and enjoy.

This is probably the dumbest thing I’ve heard of in a while and yet mommies are ga-ga over it. It’s The Shandle. No wonder people with kids are broke – they’ll buy anything that other mommies tell them is the “in” thing to buy, no matter how useless. (Admittedly this is a cheap piece of shit at $7 each, but I’d bet they’d still buy it if it was $100 a pop, as long as they thought it would make them look like “good” mommies.)

What is the Shandle, you ask? It’s some useless piece of plastic you stick to the toilet seat to help kids lift and lower the toilet seat without touching the “icky” toilet. As a bonus, it reminds them to wash their hands and gives them a cartoon to look at while urinating. That’s all it does.

So let me get this straight: these gals think their kids will die from germs if they touch the toilet? These people are unable to teach their kids to wash their hands so they need a piece of plastic to do it for them? (Well, maybe the piece of plastic can babysit the kids while mommy goes bar hopping, too!) And if the whole point is to teach the kids to wash their hands after using the toilet, does it really matter if they touch the “icky” toilet seat or not since they’ll be washing their hands right afterward? Couldn’t a home-made sign on the door or above the toilet remind the kids just as easily (and more cheaply)?

I really do not understand these germaphobes. I swear, a germ or two will not kill you! I’m not saying everyone should be licking toilet seats or anything like that, but humans have survived thus far without needing cutesy handles to survive to the next generation! I guarantee you there are kids out there who have touched a toilet seat, then put their hands in their mouths and lived to tell about it! I swear!

The feel-good crap like this is so ridiculous.

Think about this for a minute: Kids (and even some adults) miss and piss on the toilet seats. What’s to say they won’t miss and the piss gets on the Shandle, too?

“But, but, but… the Shandle is made of some antimircobial stuff! It repels germs!” is the mommy rallying cry. Well, here’s an idea. if this antimicrobial stuff is so awesome and lifesaving, why not just get a toilet seat made out of it? That might actually make some sense. But mommies won’t recommend antimicrobial toilet seats to each other because those toilet seats don’t come with cartoon characters printed on them!! DUH!

As for product reviews, one mommy says, “The Shandle is a neat little product! It’s so simple that it makes you wish you had thought of it yourself!” Seriously? It’s a piece of junk! The only reason someone might wish they’d thought of it was for the money they’d make off of dumb women who will buy anything if it’s marketed for kids!

My favorite design is this one:

If you have an overweight daughter or wife, this is the perfect gift! You can make sure she washes her hands and remind her of her weight issues every time she goes to the bathroom. BRILLIANT!!

Even more amusing is that they make some “decorative” ones for adults without the cutesy, “don’t forget to wash your hands after you pee!” sayings on them for all the adult germaphobes who think they need to avoid touching toilet seats, too.

Hey, but more power to the mommy who invented this to make money off the backs of all her peers. I’m sure she’s laughing all the way to the bank over all the suckers out there. Bravo! Job well done!

I’m going to cut and paste the entirety of this article. I’m just reformatting it so it’s easier to follow. Italics is mine.

THURSDAY:

EAST RIDGE, TN — East Ridge police are looking for the suspect who approached a boy walking to school and tried to coerce into going with him.

Police were alerted by the principal of Spring Creek Elementary who says a student told her about the incident. When the stranger asked the boy to go with him, the student refused and continued to the school. The male suspect followed until the child made it to the school.

The suspect is described as a black male approximately 6′ tall, medium build, bald and wearing cutoff shorts and a brown or tan shirt. East Ridge Police are asking anyone with information about this incident or seeing someone matching this description to contact Police.

And Update Friday:

EAST RIDGE, TN — East Ridge police now say this report was unfounded. Detectives located the man matching the description and the child identified him.

Police Investigators interviewed the child and the man. The child now says the man had not spoken to him and had not been any closer than 20 to 30 feet. The child did state however the man made him feel uncomfortable. Police now say no crime has been committed.

However East Ridge Police want to commend the child for his quick action in reporting this incident to authorities. Officials want to encourage children to always report suspicious activity to police.

What incident?! What suspicious behavior?! The man did nothing wrong — the kid totally lied! YOU DON’T COMMEND A KID FOR LYING, ASSHOLES!!

The police should have known right away that the kid was lying because kids don’t walk to school anymore. They aren’t even allowed to walk to the school bus! (Remember my earlier post? Yesterday I got home at 3pm and I saw the whole scenario repeat itself. My husband did not exaggerate — I saw it happen with my own two eyes! The bitch really does drive them half a block home every day – and she could clearly see the bus stop from her front yard!).

I might not be so infuriated by this article except something like this happened to me many years ago. At a family gathering when I was a teenager, a kid about 9 lied and told everyone I beat her up because, I don’t know, she was a brat and thought she could get away with it. The breeders in the family who like to think all kids are innocent victims started to form a lynch mob, but luckily there were some intelligent relatives present who immediately saw through the lie (partly because I’d been there in the same room as all of them (including the breeder brains) the whole freakin’ time!). I never did get an apology from the lynch mob!

But back to the article: If the guy who was accused doesn’t sue the parents and cops for harassment, can I sue for something? This story just sends the message to kids: You can lie about anyone for any reason and you won’t get in trouble — in fact, you’ll be praised! Meanwhile, anyone you don’t like will be detained by the cops as a good prank. Gee, there is no incentive for kids to NOT run around telling lies about people!

Perhaps kids just shouldn’t be allowed out in public anymore if this shit is going to happen. If parents are SO AFRAID that everyone is out to get their kids, then their children should be kept at home in a bubble so they are safe. Heaven forbid any of the rest of us be allowed to breathe the same air as them!

Crazily enough, in a sane world, productive, tax-paying citizens would have MORE rights than lying, snot-nosed resource-suckers.

This world is fucked.

EVERYONE PANIC! Tonight on two different evening news programs, I was told that caffeine causes miscarriages! Apparently, women who are even thinking of getting pregnant should avoid caffeine or risk a miscarriage! Everyone stop drinking caffeine right now!!

I have some inside information that they aren’t reporting, but I’m not sure I should share with you. After all, it might cause an uproar. But what the heck. The public deserves to know:

Pregnancy causes miscarriages.

It’s true!! So everyone: stop getting pregnant! That’s the only way to wipe out miscarriages once and for all!

I absolutely can not understand why the evening news was reporting this crap. For one thing, all the paranoid preggos have been telling this tale for years now, so it’s not even news. Even if it was news, it’s not that big of a news story that everything else has to be dropped to tell this story.

More importantly, all these news agencies are only telling about one study. Another study says that they could find no link between caffeine consumption and miscarriage. Why aren’t they telling people about that study?

If caffeine could cause miscarriages, don’t you think people would avoid having abortions and instead just drink a lot of caffeinated products to induce miscarriage?

If this story was true, I certainly wouldn’t be here. Neither would any of my siblings. My mother is such a coffee addict I think her blood runs brown instead of red. Her addiction to coffee made me never want to touch the stuff. If coffee caused miscarriages, my mother would be childfree. Or at least childless.

I think some of these “studies” are made up just to see how gullible breeder women are.